You know what you should do?
You should stop using the word “should”.
No, it’s not just semantics. Should statements are one of many cognitive distortions. They are a type of negative thinking that will make you feel like crap and fill you up with guilt, pressure and stress (among other negative feelings).
There is no choice in should. Whatever it is you’re talking about, even vacations -the most pleasurable thing I can think of right now- when you say “I should go on vacation”, you go from “fun and rewarding activity to celebrate my hard work and accomplishments” to “task bestowed upon me filled with unwanted planning, packing and unnecessary stress that makes me wanna come back to work before I even left”.
Believe me, humor me, or better: try it for a couple of weeks. Stop using should statements and see how you feel.
As a matter of fact, let’s try it now; repeat after me and consider:
“I should go on vacation”
What did you feel in your body when you said this out loud? Did you feel resignation, annoyance or resistance in the pit of your stomach? Did you sigh? Did it send you on a useless time-consuming trip to guilt-land for not having gone on vacations sooner? Or maybe to pressure-land with follow up thoughts like “I can’t even think of it right now I have so much to do”?
Now take a deep breath and rephrase:
“I would like to go on vacation”.
How does your body react? Can you feel the deservability? Does it trigger further questions like where, when and how? Does it make you wanna take action, even if a tiny step towards said vacation?
Should statements are a huge waste of time and energy because of the negative feelings they bring up which lead to procrastination and perfectionism (thieves of time); and I disagree that some of them could be helpful. Anything that takes away choice and responsibility is toxic.
An example of this:
“I should not get drunk and then drive home”. It is absolutely true, yet, there is no owning of your actions.
“I don’t want to get drunk and then drive home” shows choice and it says something about you as a person that cares about yourself and others. Both yield the same result but which one is more powerful? Think of “I shouldn’t smoke” vs “I choose not to smoke”.
Should statements are also extremely useless when we talk about other people:
“He should know better than that”, “people should take the garbage with them”. Yup, again, frustration, anger, disappointment. I’m not doubting that people need to pack their trash before leaving a campsite; I’m pointing out that the use of the word “should” creates only negative feelings in you, animosity towards fellow humans and lack of responsibility.
OVERCOMING THE HABIT
Aim to catch your should statements as much as possible. I can guarantee you that after reading this article, you will be a lot more aware of them.
Look for the WHY behind the should statement. Why should you go on vacation? Why shouldn’t you smoke?
Focus on how the activity aligns (or not) with your values. Is it important for you to spend time on your wellbeing and loved ones by going on vacation? Is it important for you to be on time for work?
Rephrase the statement with words that signal choice; use “I prefer”, “I want” and “I choose”.
Check how this new choice-based statement feels.
Removing the word “should” from your vocabulary will take time, patience, and practice. It is definitely possible and will make you a kinder and more compassionate person to yourself and others. Guaranteed.
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